Friday, December 16, 2011

Sleeping With The Addict

What do you do when you realise that the person you are seeing is an addict ? That is exactly the question I am faced with right now. I could handle someone addicted to drugs or alcohol and a sex addict actually sounds like a dream come true. This is much, much worse. She is addicted to cooking shows. The type where some pompous idiot shows you how easy it is to whip up a fantastic meal in just 30 mins using ingredients you have never heard of and equipment you don’t own.

For someone like me that believes grilled cheese is high cuisine, a dish made from crocodile scales, pixie tears, grass clippings, crushed moon rock and toe jam just doesn’t sound appetising. In fact the only celebrity chef I ever liked was the Swedish one on the Muppets when I was a child.

Looking through her pantry there are enough jars of herbs and spices to sink a battleship. Sadly most of them have hardly been used. When I asked if the crushed cockroach legs were good on steak she got angry. I was told that they were expensive and not to be wasted, in fact they were bought specifically for one recipe. Trying to be supportive (and get myself out of trouble) I said that sounded delicious and suggested that we make it that so I could try it. She answered that when she tried it it didn’t work out properly so she wasn’t going to make it for me.

I just don’t know how to handle this situation. The wild mood swings, the bizarre smells, not able to go out because missing an episode would bring on the apocalypse. How many more males out there are suffering right now because their partners are cooking show addicts ? There are no support groups, no hotlines to call, no rehab centers.

The only thing to do is to break up with her.

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