Monday, January 31, 2011

Hide Your Asses

One of the major differences between Australia and the rest of the world is the use of the word thong. Down Under it means a style of casual footwear known elsewhere as a flip flop. The sexy piece of underware known as a thong elsewhere is called a g-string here. This has lead to quite a bit of embaressment to travelers as you can quite imagine.

I bring this up so I can explain about a disturbing trend that I see happening again this year. The t-bar. For those of you not familiar with the term, this is a style of showing your underware above your pants. It is females wearing g-strings up high with their pants low, creating a T shape at the back above the belt line.

Sounds great doesn’t it. Unfortunately there are always some idiots that ruin it for all of us. I have seen a few lately that have got it completely, gut wrenchingly wrong.

Firstly, if you are overweight this look isn’t for you. Period. I was standing behind one such example the other night. At first I couldn’t work out why she had a piece of elastic wrapped tightly around her waist, making her look like a xmas ham. Then the realisation that the rest had been swallowed by the copious ass cheeks left me feeling queasy.

Secondly, if you are going to do the t-bar, do some maintenance back there. Wisps of bum hair peeking out is not doing you any favours. It is like looking at porn from the seventies. What are you thinking ? Would you be happy if your mans penis had sideburns ?

I can understand that you might be a bit pale in that area and have no problem with a little fake tan. Just don’t go overboard and make yourself look like you have been rolling around in a giant bag of doritos. The only reason to do this is is if you are trying to trick hungry drunkards into licking you.

Lastly this a young persons fashion. If you are too old don’t do it. If you have to ask if you are too old you are. Nobody wants to see your wrinkled cellulite flapping around.

The thing that really gets to me about all this though is the fact that their friends don’t tell them. Seriously girls, if your friends don’t tell you that you look like a complete fool, it is time to get some new friends. If you can’t tell your friend that she just isn’t working that look, you don’t deserve to be her friend.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

The Future Of Desktop Computers

There has been a lot of talk in recent times pondering the future of the humble desktop computer. Everything seems to be going mobile and as technology advances everything keeps getting smaller. Today there is much more technology in a cheap basic laptop than was used to send the first men to the moon.

One of the main disadvantages of mobile devices is the small screen. While perfectly fine for a lot of tasks they just don’t cut it for some.

The obvious one for me to mention is graphic art and design. There is no denying it, the larger the screen the easier it is in this business. Working on a large project on a laptop means constantly zooming in and out trying to get details right. Trust me, it is a real pain in the ass.

So now you have some idea why I was so excited when I came across this video. Yes it is only a prototype but seriously, I want to try this thing out. The thought of doing a large scale photo manipulation on something like this has me salivating. Then there are thoughts of working on the web. Multiple tabs be damned, you could just have all the sites you want to work on open on different parts of the screen. Seriously cool in a geeky sort of way.

It will be interesting to see where this concept goes. How will it work when it has been slimmed down and lost all that horrible woodgrain. (seriously guys, it looks like the cabinet is a refugee from the 70's)

However there is one aspect of this setup that will sell it to the general public. No I am not talking about games, although that multiplayer idea is certainly a winner. No it is something they have probably not even thought of.

Imagine watching porn on this bad boy. With that curved screen you could bend the actors into positions that would make a professional contortionists eyes water. Now that would be something to see.

Monday, January 24, 2011

I Am Officially 33

Yes today is my birthday. Having an IQ equivalant to a goldfish I naively believed that I was going to have a good day. For once I got to start work late which meaning the chance to sleep in. Of course my phone woke me up at a stupidly early hour, spewing congratulations and well wishes from friends and family.

What is really annoying about this is the fact that I just don’t understand it. What are you congratulating me for ? The fact that I was born ? I hate to burst your bubble but I really had nothing to do with it. Go congratulate my parents for that achievement. If you want to congratulate me, make it for something that I have actually done.

Perhaps you are congratulating me on the fact that I have survived this long. Are you telling me that I am so stupid that you assumed that I would be dead by now. Admit it, you thought that I would have decapitated myself on a ceiling fan, licked an electrical outlet or just plain forgot to keep breathing by now didn’t you.

Eventually I gave up on any lingering thoughts of staying in bed, got up and booted up the computer. Unsuprisingly my facebook was plastered with seemingly insincere well wishes. Even a forum I frequent realised that it was my birthday this year and started a thread just for it. I suppose it was too much to ask of the internet gods to take the site down for a couple of days like they did last year.

Seriously, what is the point of this odd custom, the birthday ? I just don’t get it. The only purpose for the whole scenario, that I can tell, is to boost the economy by forcing people to spend money on cards and stupid novelty gifts.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Suicidal ? Join The Navy

There is a disturbing trend happening in the U.S.A. navy. Every week a person employed by this great institution is murdered. I know this because I watch Gibbs, DiNozzo, Ziva and the rest of the NCIS team solve the crime. Amazingly they do it in just half an hour. I don’t know how much these people get paid but it should be a lot.

What I find truly extraordinary is the almost total disinterest from the media. Even more so when you realise that there is a NCIS in Los Angeles. You may have seen them as well. It is the stereotypical line up. There is the hard white guy with a heart of gold, the black guy, small appearances from the good looking woman and the token geek. Bizarrely they are led by a female hobbit. Not too sure what that is about, comic relief perhaps.

Back to the point. Los Angeles. I can only assume from this that every state has a NCIS. That means every week, in every state, a naval employee is murdered. It is amazing that they have any left. I am not too sure what the average lifespan of a naval officer is, but when you add in wars over fictional weapons of mass destruction, it can’t be very long.

This leads me to the question, why would anyone join the navy ? After much thought I can only think of two. Firstly the navy would look like a fantastic option if you were suicidal but didn’t have the guts to go through with it. However, having a force of depressed chickens really wouldn’t make the population feel safe. Perhaps that is why the media tends to shy away from the subject, they don’t want to start a mass panic. Very noble of them.

The only other reason for somebody to join the navy is to rise through the ranks and get a job at NCIS so they can meet Abby. That is certainly understandable. I would love to meet her. (massive crush over here if you can’t tell)

Personally I think it would be a lot easier to become a tattoo artist, paint your fingernails black and hang out in goth bars. Just stay away from the ones where navy personel hang out. They could be very dangerous.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Weird Facts

The kangaroo got its name when the first Australian white settlers saw the strange creature. They asked the local Aboriginies what it was who answered kanguru, which means 'I don't understand'.

To "testify" comes from the Roman court where men swore on their testicles that their statement was true.

Cat urine glows under a black-light.

The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. It was the fashion in Renaissance Florence to shave them off.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

A ducks quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.

Australia's first police force was a band of 12 of the most well behaved Convicts.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

A species of earthworm in Australia grows up to 10 feet in length.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

In Natoma, Kansas, it's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

Thomas Edison, lightbulb inventor, was afraid of the dark.

It's illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while you're sitting on a curb in St. Louis.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

I think you have wasted enough time. Get back to work.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Mathmatical Proof You Should Be Creative

Mathmatics is considered the purest of all sciences. It is at the core of everything. Today I am going to use maths to prove that you should follow your creative dreams. Wether you want to paint landscapes, design skateboards or knit hats for wombles, it really doesn’t matter.

Now most people, possibly you, never even try to turn their creative talents into a business. They think that no one will be interested enough to buy their wares. It remains forever a dream.

Even the most pessimistic person would have to agree there is always a slight chance, however slim, that someone will want to buy whatever it is. For arguments sake lets assume that Mr. Pessimistic said there is a one in a billion chance.

There is roughly 7 billion people on this planet. That means even at those high odds, 7 people will want to buy your stuff. However the truth is you are selling yourself short using those odds.

Didn’t your mother ever tell you that you are one in a million ? Yep, that means there are 7000 people on this planet just like you. 7000 guaranteed to love your stuff.

That is not the end of the story though. Look at your friends. They are not exactly like you, yet they understand you. They get you. How many friends have you got ? How many have you had in the past ? At school, co-workers, drinking pals at the pub, whatever. Most people could easily think of 30 people that they have really gotten along with.

Given the one in a million rule, that is 210,000 people worldwide. Add in the 7000 that are just like you and we have 217,000 people that would want to purchase your creative endeavours.

I can already hear the pessimists. How often do you expect all these people going to buy, once in a blue moon ? Good question.

Well a blue moon occurs when you get a fourth full moon in a season. This happens every 2 to 3 years. To keep those pesky pessimists happy lets round it down and go with 3 years. That gives us 70000 sales a year. If you make just 2 dollars per sale, that is $140,000 per year. Not bad huh.

Unfortunatley that is not the end of the story. Those are potential numbers, potential sales. The problem is all those people have to know you have your stuff for sale before they can buy it.

So the question is how on earth do you let them all know about your products ? To be honest, I can’t answer that as I am still trying to figure it out myself. I just wanted to prove that if you want to make money from your creativity, it is possible. Hopefully inspire you to pursue your dreams. Maths doesn’t lie.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Wet And Wild

Gently rub the outside getting it nice and wet.

Make sure you rub it all over.

Slip two fingers inside, three if it is really big.

Move those fingers around inside it.

Rub it up and down.

Now that is how you wash a cup.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Mona Lisa Mystery Explained

For centuries people have wondered just who the Mona Lisa was and why she has that sly smirk on her face. Well thanks to the wonders of modern technology we finally have the answer.

The picture above is what she would look like with a modern makeover. With that done you can quite clearly see that the Mona Lisa is a transsexual. Now you know the reason for that “I know something that you don’t” look. It has to do with the surprise package in her pantaloons.

Obviously when the original was painted, homosexuality was frowned upon by the Church, forcing Leonardo to subtly hide the truth. The secret has been hidden in plain view for all these years.

Personally I can’t wait for The DaVinci Code part 2 - Uncanny Tranny. That will really get the Catholics knickers in a knot.

This could also partially explain the homosexual love of all things Cher. Isn’t modern technology grand.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Summer Daze

Yeah it is summer down here at the arse end of the world. Days so hot that all the Pommie backpackers think they are dying and the nights are not much cooler. You can't sleep properly and walk around in a light headed, alcohol fueled daze. The wild grass is all dead, covering the land in a golden shimmer under cloudless blue skys. You can walk anywhere and check out the tanned hunnies wearing next to nothing. Music festivals everywhere. Damn I love this time of year.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

They Are Egging Me On.

I had to quickly run into the shops today to grab a couple of things. Walking in I was blinded by reflected light from garish Easter eggs. I may have suffered permanent eye damage. I realise that Easter is a movable holiday but 4 days after New Years is a bit ridiculous.

On second thoughts, perhaps the shops are reminding us of the true meaning of Christmas after the sillyness of the shopping season. I know the first thing that popped into my mind when I saw the eggs was JESUS CHRIST !

Much more likely is a push for another pseudo religious holiday to make us spend more money. We could all nail chocolate bunnies to crosses. That would be fun.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Beauty From Melancholy

My first piece is up for 2011. It has a bit of a strange story behind it.

The christmas and new year period are a bit depressing for me for a few reasons. I guess some of it has to do with being single. Some of it relates to my family being so far away. Some of it was due to the fact that I had to work both my jobs through christmas with only two days off, meaning that I couldn't catch up with everyone like I wanted.

Therefore I was in a strange mood when I finally turned my attention to creating a new piece. At the time I was listening to the Smashing Pumpkins aptly named Melancholy And The Infinite Sadness album. One line from the song Thirty Three got stuck in my head and started rattling around. "graceful swans of never topple to the earth"

My original thought was to use pictures of local black swans. My original rough layout sketch had two swans flying downwards, breaking apart as they went. The idea kept progressing into something else entirely. Somewhere along the line it changed from a moody piece to a cheerful piece.

I decided that white swans would be better and went scouring the stock photo sites. Easier said than done. If you look at the four I used you will notice three different species of swan. They are from three different parts of the globe by three different photographers all with different cameras. Getting them to work together, look right and get the lighting how I wanted it was a real pain in the butt.

The end result, in my opinion, was worth it. I get to kick off the new year with a positive, uplifting piece.

The other thing I would like to mention is that it was created entirely in gimp. Take that photoshop snobs. Gimp is a great piece of software, even if it does have an unfortunate name.
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