Sunday, June 3, 2012

Plight Of The Refugees

Over the last few years there has been a lot of news coverage about refugees who come to Australia, only to be put into detention centers. We repeatedly hear all about the appalling conditions, the cost to the taxpayer, how we appear to the rest of the world and the legality of it all. Is it all true or is it just the media ramping up a story to boost ratings ? I thought that I would go to one of these detention centers to see for myself and give my readers an unbiased opinion. There are none of these facilities for humans near me so I went to the mandatory detention center for foreign animals, known locally as the Perth zoo.

Firstly I can confirm that corruption is indeed rampant, as I had to give the guard a bribe just to get in. Not only that but if you want a drink on a hot day you will be forced to pay exorbitant prices. The facility is obviously making a lot of money from the plight of these poor creatures.

The housing conditions are horrendous. There is hardly any shelter considering the size of the facility. Rather than having proper bedding these poor creatures are forced to sleep on piles of dry grass, under rocks or in hollow logs and in extreme cases even hanging on for dear life in trees. I also managed to get a look at the solitary confinement section and I was outraged. It is kept in a state of constant darkness. The poor souls in this area have been nicknamed “nocturnal”. That is just not humane.

 Some of the residents are relentlessly mocked. I saw horses that had been painted with black and white stripes, much like the convicts of old. Another poor equine type creature that obviously had a physical disability had been marked with large brown spots all over its yellow body and extremely long neck. I felt most sorry for the bear though. It too had been painted black and white but this time to resemble a clown. I have a feeling that the black paint around the eyes was just there to disguise bruising.

 The government assures us that refugees are properly fed while in detention but I can assure you that is a lie. What is jokingly called food is just thrown on the ground or in troughs where inmates are forced to grovel for it. In some cases they were so hungry that they were eating grass. Feeling sorry for them I tried to give them some of my ham and salad sandwich only to be told by one of the prison guards that I would be forcibly removed if I tried it again.

 I am so disgusted that I am putting together a team of like minded souls to help free them all. We are going to call ourselves the army of the 12 monkeys. Leave a comment if you want to join the fight.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Impossible Coffee Table

Something amazing happened. I actually had an entire weekend off from work. Trust me that is truly incredible. It gave me the opportunity to finish a project I started months ago. I call it the impossible coffee table.

The basis of it was an old coffee table that was falling apart. I kept the glass top and scrapped the rest. My new base is made of four pine legs at a 45 degree angle. It looks like they should fall over. Each leg has cutouts that the other legs slot into. When together they all support each other. It looks impossible but it works.

Although the woodwork was finished ages ago, the weekend off gave me the time to give it a good sanding, stain and varnish. It has come up beautifully. I am going to give it a few weeks to dry out completely before putting the glass back on top.

Even in its raw wood state it got a lot of looks. It should get even more now. I enjoy messing with peoples minds, watching them try to figure out how it is standing.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

2011 Bye Bye

As the year draws to a close all I can say is thank goodness for that. Bye bye 2011 and good riddance.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Sleeping With The Addict

What do you do when you realise that the person you are seeing is an addict ? That is exactly the question I am faced with right now. I could handle someone addicted to drugs or alcohol and a sex addict actually sounds like a dream come true. This is much, much worse. She is addicted to cooking shows. The type where some pompous idiot shows you how easy it is to whip up a fantastic meal in just 30 mins using ingredients you have never heard of and equipment you don’t own.

For someone like me that believes grilled cheese is high cuisine, a dish made from crocodile scales, pixie tears, grass clippings, crushed moon rock and toe jam just doesn’t sound appetising. In fact the only celebrity chef I ever liked was the Swedish one on the Muppets when I was a child.

Looking through her pantry there are enough jars of herbs and spices to sink a battleship. Sadly most of them have hardly been used. When I asked if the crushed cockroach legs were good on steak she got angry. I was told that they were expensive and not to be wasted, in fact they were bought specifically for one recipe. Trying to be supportive (and get myself out of trouble) I said that sounded delicious and suggested that we make it that so I could try it. She answered that when she tried it it didn’t work out properly so she wasn’t going to make it for me.

I just don’t know how to handle this situation. The wild mood swings, the bizarre smells, not able to go out because missing an episode would bring on the apocalypse. How many more males out there are suffering right now because their partners are cooking show addicts ? There are no support groups, no hotlines to call, no rehab centers.

The only thing to do is to break up with her.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

A Future Mystery

With the current global financial crisis and threats from the Mayans about 2012 a lot of people are asking just what we are in for. Luckily there are psychic visionaries in this world that have already seen the future. One of these people tried telling us back in the seventies. Unfortunately no one would believe him. In a stroke of genius he put the information out there as a cartoon to ready our generation.

As children Scooby Doo started to show us what our future would be like. Mansions, castles, amusement parks, mines, mills and all manner of places that take money to run have been abandoned. No matter where you go everywhere is a bit spooky, like the whole world has turned into a bad neighbourhood. Not even your holiday destinations are safe.

No matter how good your skills are they will not guarantee you employment. In fact you better start practice making masks, costumes, elaborate pulley systems, sound and lighting tricks just to scare other people away from the basement you are squatting in. Yes you are going to be fighting for a roof over you head with lawyers, artists, shipwrights, doctors, magicians and all manner of professional people that already have some of these skills.

Food is going to be scarce. Really scarce. Any chance to steal food should be taken, even if it means fighting monsters, ghosts, zombies or vampires. Eat as much as you can while you have the chance.

So how do you survive this bleak future ? Well it seems that a nomadic existence is the way to go. Preferably in a group situation. There is always safety in numbers. Now you may think that a van would be the perfect vehicle to get around in our apocalyptic future, but I think motorbikes would be better. In fact I believe that we should band together in a similar manner to outlaw motorcycle clubs. Desperate people are much less likely to attack a group of unwashed bikers than some kids in a hippy Kombi.

If you are ready to accept your leather wearing, gun toting, Harley riding future let me know by giving my tshirt design a vote at qwertee. Just click on the picture to get there.

P.S. - Did you see what I did there - a whole post about Scooby Doo without a single drug joke.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Standoutlouds Cat

Once upon a time scientists made great discoveries and inventions. These are the people of history that we all look up to. Their names live on as true geniuses. Einstien, Curie, Newton, Tesla, Galileo, Darwin, Edison etc.

The scientists of today just give me the shits. It seems every week I hear about some new study that proves something we all already knew, usually at a cost of millions to us tax payers.

What exactly is the problem, has everything been discovered and invented already? What a load of pish. Now I am no scientific genius but even I can do better than that. I believe that my experiments deserve just as much funding as all those hacks out there. Take this brilliance of mine for example.

Firstly take a cat and tape magnets to its side. Then tape a buttered piece of toast to its back. Now push it off the table. We will see the effect of two scientific laws at work. Namely “cats always land on their feet” and “toast will always land butter side down”. These two scientific laws will act against each other forcing the cat/toast combo to spin continuously in mid air.

Just place a coils of copper wire wrapped around an iron core around this spinning mass. The spinning magnets and the wire will produce alternating current electricity, much like the alternator in your car. This will single handedly solve the worlds power and air pollution problems. No more reliance on fossil fuels.

Now I just need to create a breed of cats that don’t need feeding or suffer from nausea. I think 20 million dollars in government funding should cover it.

Forget Schrodingers cat, welcome to the world of Standoutlouds cat.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Welcome To The Jungle

I will be the first to admit that I am not a keen gardener. What makes it worse is living in suburban Australia. You see until fairly recently a standard block of land here was a quarter acre. When you have an average 3 bedroom house stuck in the middle of that you are left with a whole lot of garden to take care of. The truth is I don’t take care of it.

There are a few reasons for this. I have been working 6 days a week at my job plus trying to be a graphic artist / designer online. That really leaves little time for anything else. Also I am a world renowned, first class procrastinator. Any excuse is a good excuse. As a result over winter my garden went from unkempt (I like to refer to this look as shabby chic) to a meadow and finally a wilderness that could be hiding anything.

So I made a pact with myself that I would spend today gardening. So after waking up, having a shower, breakfast, checking my emails, facebook, online store and screwing around on twitter I pulled myself into action and approached the back door.

I have one of those glass slidey back doors that let you see just what you are in for. Looking at the backyard I was expecting to see Indiana Jones leap out while being chased by a family of tigers. It was not a good feeling. I braced myself and whoosh - the glass door slid aside for the first time in months. Unnaturally fresh air rushed into my man cave, dispelling the lingering funky smell. So far so good. I grabbed the flyscreen and ........... nothing. It seems the gazillion ants that live in my garden had excavated 10 tonnes of sand that the rains had then washed against the door. Grass had then grown in that sand rendering the door immobile.

After fighting with it for a while I had to go all MacGyver on it with a screwdriver. Lifting it up on its tracks and giving it a fantastic Chuck Norris kick it went sailing out onto the paving. It was alright though. All the weeds cushioned its fall. The door wasn’t damaged at all.

Grabbing a rubbish bag I attacked. Pulling out with weeds with great gusto unearthed the ecosystem at my back door. David Attenborough would have loved it. Angry ants, colourful caterpillars, milling millipedes, spiders and a frog. The frog just sat there staring at me. I named him Fernando and told him to hop along. He didn’t. I think he was trying to guilt trip me into stopping with his hypno stare, but it wasn’t going to work.

Like an archaeological dig the area of pavers came into sight. I should of been feeling pretty good but Fernando was still staring at me. I thought I would give him a piece of his own medicine and started a staring competition. Even though I cheated, he clearly won. He is that good. Stepping things up a notch I went and got my camera. Flash flash flash. He didn’t even blink. Not sure if I have a retarded frog or if he is a paparazzi whore. No wait, they are the same thing.

Eventually the bin was totally full so I took that as proof that I had done enough gardening for this week. (plus Fernando was freaking me out) Let me tell you, those 2 square meters of paving outside look great. At this frenetic pace I should have the whole garden done by 2247.
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