Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Planning For New Years Eve

New Years Eve is fast approaching. The one night of the year we have massive expectations about. It is also the night where those expectations will fall flat. Lets face it, New Years is always a let down. It never lives up to the hype and things never go right.

I decided that this year, rather than making grandiose plans that are bound to end in tragedy, I would look at what has gone wrong in the past. By making a list of things not to do this time around there is a much better chance of a great night.

This New Years Eve I will not:
- Spend a hour and a half chatting up a brunette, only to realise that she was not born a woman, much to my mates amusment.
- Relieve myself in a handy bush, only to realise that it is a potplant in front of a busy restaurant.
- Have a running race with the police after the aforementioned potplant incident.
- Spend the countdown hiding behind a brick wall in someones front garden after winning aforementioned running race.
- Start drinking heavily at midday, only to pass out out 11:30pm and miss the countdown.
- Drunkenly think I am skateboarding legend Tony Alva and spend New Years in the emergency room.
- Prank text my ex at 3 am.
- Go to a rodeo wearing a hawaiian shirt.
- Drive around the city while sober, drinking out of beer bottles that have been washed and filled with Coca Cola to stir up the police. (The police didn't find this very funny)
- On the way to a party, come across an area where the police have blocked the road and are breathalysing everyone, then going through it 17 times. (The police didn't find this funny either. They really have no sense of humour.)
- Put washing powder in the city's fountain. Then stand around watching it and get caught.
- Wake up in an unknown park with a massive hangover, no money or phone and wearing someone elses clothes.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Proof Aussies Are Crazy

This is undeniable proof that us Aussies are completely crazy. Yes that is a skateboard powered by a 630hp V8 Supercar engine. Built to honour skateboarding legend Tony Hawk who came Down Under this month.

Did he ride it ? Well I wasn't there, however the press releases state that he did. The strange thing is that there is no video of it. The only photos are obviously staged, he is not even holding the throttle controls. Seems that he may not be as bad ass as he claims.

All I can really say for certain is that I would love to take it for a spin. Friends who have seen the video want to jump on it too. Guess that tells you a lot about the Aussie male. We are all mad.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

The Devil Invented Gift Baskets

Gift baskets are the single most dangerous thing known to man. We delude ourselves that they are a great idea even though they clearly are not.

Lets start at the beginning. You are at the shops and can’t decide what presents to get people. That state of mild panic allows the devil to step in and place the sinuous idea of a gift basket in your mind. Seduced by his calming voice you instantly think it is a great idea.

STOP. Think. It does not take a genius to figure out that tracking down, deciding on and purchasing multiple items is going to take a lot longer and cost more than buying one gift. That is money you could spend on beer and time that could be much better spent lying on the couch watching tv while drinking that beer.

The hideousness of the situation does not end there however. It goes much deeper. When you get the mountain of bits and pieces home you then have to put it all together. How do arrange all those things in the basket without it looking like a broken tetris game or a Baghdad back street ?

Have you completed your bachelors degree in soap, chocolate and wine basket arrangement ? If not you are in a world of trouble. How do you wrap such a beast ? Nice paper or gaudy cellophane? Where does the bow go ? Do you need more than one bow ?

It gets worse. Oh yes my friends, it gets much worse. Who are you giving it too ?

The most important thing to remember is to never give a gift basket to a couple. That is the devils plan. It takes exactly 2 minutes and 13 seconds before the arguments start over who gets what. Suddenly your beautiful gift basket has erupted into a domestic argument. The next 7 hours are spent in deep discussion on the value of herbal tea bags verses a cute teddy bear. Most divorces are the result of an ill concieved gift basket.

These so called gifts are slowly but surely breaking down our well structured society. If allowed to continue it will end in Armageddon.

The next world war will not be over oil, land, weapons of mass destruction or any other piddling matters. It will start as an argument over who gets the choc mint biscuits from the gorgeous wicker basket.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Glass Is Our Legacy

Glass is the toughest man made substance. That is a pretty big statement considering we all know how easily it breaks, so give me a chance to explain.

When you break glass it is still glass. You can crush it to a fine powder, heat it up or freeze it. It remains glass. Metal however rusts, and in that process changes from iron into ferrous oxide. It becomes something else. Same with wood, it rots. Bricks break down back into their original parts. Glass however will always be glass.

Now look around. Glass is everywhere, in many different forms. There are different colours as well as different grades of glass. You can find it nearly everywhere on this planet in some form. Go into the wilderness and there will be some in the form of rubbish. It lays on ocean floors covered with corals. It has even made its way to Antartica.

Imagine in a billion years from now. Humankind has long since died out. An alien race lands on Earth. All our buildings and monuments have long since crumbled to dust. Glass however is still around. It will show them that an advanced civilization once lived here and that it spread all over the globe.

Glass is our legacy. It is here forever. Something to think about next time you are relaxing with a bottle of wine or beer.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Silly Season Secret Society Shopping

I don’t know why but every year I leave my christmas shopping until the last minute. This year was no exception. Finishing work early today meant that I had time to go on the annual gift hunt. After parking 27 suburbs away from my destination I started on the long and arduous trek to the hallowed sliding glass doors that lead to shopping hell.

Entering through these doors is like entering into another world. The icy blast of the airconditioned wind chills you to the bone. Long hair and loose bits of ill concieved fashions ripple in the breeze like a living jungle. Unfortunately you are not allowed to hack your way through with a machete Indiana Jones style. All you can do is brace yourself and force a path between the sweating bodies.

A myriad of scents from thousands of deodorants and perfumes assail your nostrils. Midget ninjas disguised as children try to attack your crotch with sharp weapons disguised as toys. The noise from so many people is a deafining bass hum, thankfully drowning out the banality of xmas music. Even more disturbing is the chance of an attack from a hair monster. They live in old peoples noses and wait for a new host to get near so they can transfer, splitting amoeba style to create a new creature.

Claustrophobic panic starts to settle in as you realise that you have no idea what to get anyone. Now at this point you should blindly grab a product and then figure out who to give it to, however being flustered you end up thinking back to front. Mum - a tin of 2 stroke oil. Nephew - pink frilly nighty. The craziness just keeps going on.

Then disaster. The announcement of a special is made over the loudspeaker. Sweaty female faces turn upwards as one, as if hearing God. Males start climbing shelves and stacks of chocolate baskets to reach high ground as the females heads turn to and fro trying to sniff out the bargain. Thousands of overweight bums quiver in anticipation. Then the stampede starts.

Anyone still left in the isles gets trampled under countless bovine sneakers and pointy heels. This is survival of the fittest at work. I see a friend named Matt go down not far from me. After it was over I did the only thing I could think of for him. I wrote welcome in large black letters on his chest.

In the eerie silence that is the aftermath I had a revelation. There were no beautiful people here. You know the type. Perfect bodies. Perfect hair. Perfect teeth. They always have the perfect gift.

Where on earth do these people shop ? Is there some secret society shopping mecca that only they know about ? I can imagine them laying down being fed grapes by a sales assistant as Oompa Loompas dance around showing them the perfect gifts for Uncle Frank, cousin Myrtle and everyone else.

Can someone please tell me where this place is so next year I can go there at the last minute to blindly grab gifts ?

Friday, December 17, 2010

Non Wavers Sh#t Me

With one of my jobs I spend quite a bit of time on the road. Now I like to think of myself as quite a courteous driver. I am one of those people that will leave a gap so others can get in. I know there is nothing worse than being stuck in a driveway for 20 minutes waiting for a break in the traffic.

However there is one thing that really gets my blood pumping, the non waver. I am not sure of the protocol in other countries but here in Australia it is considered common courtesy to wave when someone lets you in. Now don't get me wrong, I am not talking about throwing both hands in the air and trying to start a Mexican wave with the other drivers. You don't even need to take a hand off of the steering wheel. Just raise your fingers up and give a bit of a nod in appreciation.

For some reason the courtesy wave is happening less and less. Quite frankly I have had enough. In the new year I will no longer be letting people in. I can be a jerk on the road too. To quote Eminem
"With his windows down and his system up
Screaming "I don't give a f@#k!"

Heck I will probally have one finger up as well.

Welcome to the New Years road rage. Stay out of my way.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

The Art Of Inspiration

There is a question that I seem to get asked quite a lot that I really hate. The question is where do you get your inspiration / ideas from ? I internally shudder everytime, for two reasons.

Firstly, inspiration is a fickle and random beast. There is no one source. It is everywhere, everything and at times, nowhere at all. People expect a nice easy answer as to where and there just isn't one.

The second reason is that my artworks are based around really simple ideas. Artists tend to have these long winded explanations about themes and meanings. I am not in that catergory.

Take the image at the top of this post for example. I was watching a tv show that said a city was like a living organism, ever growing and changing. I really liked that sentiment and set out to put the idea of a living city into the form of an image. Thats it. I also titled it, not very imaginatively, Living City.

Another example is my Gizmo Ipad case design. That came about from a conversation with a friend. After mentioning that zazzle was now offering custom Ipad and Iphone cases, he asked "what is an Ipad for anyway ?" After much discussion we decided that neither of us knew just what it was actually for. His closing comment was "Guess it is just another gizmo" That cracked me up, so I decided to do a design around that sentence.

There really is nothing special or magical about it. Some things come along that I think are great ideas, so I work on them. I actually wrote a squidoo lens about this topic a while back. Examining Inspiration If you want to know more feel free to check it out.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Who Needs Talent Anyway ?

Once upon a time, you needed talent to become a star. Movie stars had it, so did singers and artists. Heck you needed talent to even get on tv or a magazine.

However with the age of the internet anyone can be a star, talent not required. People are famous just for being famous. What the heck does Paris Hilton do anyway ? Take a look at this video and make sure you watch it all the way through.

This dorky 15 year old kid is in his messy bedroom lip synching, very badly, in front of his webcam that his mommy probably bought for him. Then pow ! In walks multi platinum artist 50cent.

WTF ? If you bother to go to this kids channel, he has done heaps of these stupid vids. What is truly bizarre is the fact that people like them. Some of them have over 20 million hits. He has become a star. No talent and not even an original idea.

Un-freakin-believable. Seriously with those sort of numbers you could put up affiliate links to anything and make money. On top of that he can launch a career in showbiz. If he is not a millionarre and set for life within a year he is dumber than he looks.

So the only conclusion is that to make money on the internet you need absolutley no talent or original ideas. Well I am going to jump on this bandwagon. How about a video of me bashing my head against the keyboard repeatedly while humming the theme from mission impossible. No, that is too unique, people will think it is performance art.

Maybe dress up like a bottle and spin around until I throw up. Ahhh stuff it. I am going to get a beer. I just can't dumb myself down that much.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The Zazzle Funfair

Roll up. Roll up. Welcome to the Zazzle Funfair. Plenty to do for everyone. Admission is free.

Ride the sales rollercoaster. Listen to the clack clackety sound ,like coins dropping in a slot, as you head seemingly ever upwards, only to be plunged in a screaming downwards spiral, back to pennyless.

Take a walk down the sideshow alley marketplace where good designs and artworks are hidden amongst the tonnes of cheap crap and louis vitton knock offs.

Join the promotion horror train. Don’t worry, no one will hear you scream because no one is listening. Those people sitting in the train with you are screaming to get heard as well.

Hang out with the crowds in the forum common ground, until bullies beat you up and take your lunch money.

Have a go at the product merry go round that never stops. Get dizzy making products until the site goes down for maintennance, then you can cower in the corner with the shakes until it comes back online and you can feed your addiction again.

It’s fun for the whole family so come on in and join the POD machine. You don’t really need a life do you ?

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Spam Fun

While I generally find spam to be annoying or worse, there are times (generally when I am procrastinating) when I find enjoyment in it. For example there was the time a Nigerian princess sent me an email asking for help to launder some money for her husband. I took great delight in trying to convince her that I would make a better partner than a husband with money troubles. For some reason she didn't believe my explanation for needing her bank account details.

More fun was had with a spam post in a forum that I used to frequent. The spammer kindly left his email address in the post. I sent about 200 emails to him trying to sell him my art. Eventually my emails started to bounce, guess he didn't like being spammed. (Just a note, if you want to try this set up a seperate email address to use for it).

To get to the point of this blog post, I was just checking my emails when I came across this beauty.

Attn Beneficiary;

The Board of federal ministry of finance Benin Republic are hereby to notify you of your payment inheritance funds of US $1.4million after the meeting held on 6th of Nov 2010. His Excellence the PRESIDENT OF FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF BENIN has Instructed this Department to send your funds through our westernunion money transfer, for easy receive of your inheritance funds without any further delay to avoid paying money to the fraud stars that is going on through globa now ,

You are required to send your name and address Where you want your fund to be send to you through WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER. The maximium amount you will be receiving per a day starting from tomorrow is $7,500.00) and the MTCN NO# will be sent along with the Text Questions & Answers for you to receive your fund through any Western Union Location in your Country,

Send your inforrmation to of westernunion money transfer in Cotonou Benin Republic.
Receiver name--------------
Test question...............
Tel phone----------------------

For further procedure Contact Western union payment officer with the information below;

Manager name= Mr Kenneth Aka
Tel; +22996334110

Try to fill the Above Informations where they will be sending you your
money ,
Your faithfuly
Mr Mohamed Williams

Wow, that is one of the worst written spam emails that I have seen in quite some time. You would have to be clinically insane to fall for something like that. The type of person that wakes up in the morning and thinks that they are an onion and sucks moisture off of ducks. I wonder how they will react to my request for a cheque made out to cash to be sent to post office box 666 in Lilliput ?

Gunny Bunny print

Friday, November 5, 2010

Believe In Fairies

Those that have been following along on my progression know that I have a thing for pixies. I just find them more interesting than the common fairy. They are quirky and not the stereotypical beauty that fairies are. However recently I have found myself following the herd and doing some pictures of these fae creatures. I have been aiming for sexy without slutty. Think I got it. (I hope I got it) Posted a couple of them here as eye candy for you.

Sorry I try not to spam my art here but it is what I do.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Urban Piranhas

I have fish as pets. I would love to have a dog or cat as well, however I just wouldn’t have time to take care of them properly. Personally I don’t believe that is fair on the animals. Taking care of myself is a big enough chore. The beauty of fish as pets is that they require very little of your time. Can’t feed them for a couple of days ? No problem. They will still be alive and healthy when you get back to them. People always under estimate how hardy fish really are. They are like underwater cockroaches. As long as you have a few basics right they will live their happy aquatic cockroach existance for many years.

Now I better explain that mine is not your average small household tank, neither are the fish. The tank is a decent size. 6 foot by 2 foot by 2 foot. The inhabitants are not little guppies either. The biggest is about the length of my forearm.

Occasionally you do have to clean their home. These aqua roaches are not domesticated. Like all animals, fish have their own personalities. One of mine has come to the conclusion that trying to pull out my arm hairs when I am cleaning his domicile is a really fun game. It is very disconcerting when you don’t see him coming. Cleaning the tank today the little bugger got me multiple times. The problem is that every time I jump. I just can’t help it. As far as I am concerned this is a natural reaction. It has been passed down from our forefathers, way back from when they had to dodge giant piranhas and other evil species that could strip the flesh from your bones before you could say ugg.

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Remember this from school science class ? In this case that means copious amounts of water fly out of the tank at high velocity every time I involuntry jump and jerk my arm. The area around my tank soon takes on the look of a water amusement park. There is water running down the walls and dripping from the ceiling. For a little while there was even a mini water fall running over the edge of the step. I kept expecting Kevin Costner, complete with a set of gills, to come sailing in on a makeshift boat.

At least it is done now. The beauty of my set up is that I don’t have to worry about it for another three months or so. By that time I will have forgotten just how bad it is. Now I better go remove the lake from the middle of my house before a family of ducks decide to move in.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

The Hard Road

People say life is a journey and that we choose which roads we travel. Personally I have travelled many, changing professions more than once, as well as where I live and the people I know. Today however I want to talk about a section of road that I decided to travel along one year ago.

One year and three weeks ago I had never owned a computer. One year and two weeks ago I purchased my first computer, a cheap laptop. One year ago today, I signed up to the print on demand site zazzle and started to teach myself graphic art and design. I saw what the site could offer and with no experience or skill, optimistically thought - Yeah, I can do that.

Today is my first anniversary as a zazzler.

Not surprisingly, it has not been the easiest of journeys. My first forays were, well lets face facts, they were terrible. Never having done anything like this before I made plenty of mistakes. The upside is that for the last few months I have been fairly consistently completing designs that I am happy with. Even better is the fact that people are buying them. There is nothing quite as satisfying as knowing that somebody thought that your work was so good that they had to own it.

In the past year I have learned so much, met a lot of great people and my friends now ask me for computer advice. Just over a year ago I never thought any of that would ever be possible. I was a technological neanderthal.

I certainly do not want to look back at the road that I have travelled to get to this point. I can imagine the carnage that I have left behind and that is something that nobody should have to look at. I prefer to always look forwards. Unfortunately the sun is shining in my eyes so there is no way of knowing if the road ahead is straight or curved. The best thing is to just keep moving forward slowly in the knowledge that at least the way is bright in that direction.

This whole point of this post has just been to give a little insight into why this last bit of it is so important.

I would like to publicy thank all the people that have helped me along the way. Putting up with my dumb noob questions and mistakes, giving me encouragement and helping to promote my work.

A massive thankyou to you all. You know who you are.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Monday, September 27, 2010

Real Vampire

I am sick to death of hearing about stupid teenage vampires that glitter in the sun and look like they just stepped out of 90210. Personally I prefer the 'so scary you wet your pants even though you are 32' type of blood suckers. The ones with no morals and no rules.

With these thoughts in my head and Rob Zombie turned up to ridiculous on the stereo, I created this vamp. It is a digital painting made in Gimp using the standard brushes.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

So It Has Come To This...............

It finally got to THAT stage. You know the one. Where things get so bad you just have to do something about it. I finally had to clean the house.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not a dirty person. (I just have a dirty mind) However, when you are working 2 jobs, spare time is something in short supply. When you do eventually get that day off, well, things tend not to go as planned. You know that you should be vacuuming, dusting and polishing everything in sight until it sparkles so bright that boats are confused into thinking that your home is a lighthouse, and the airspace above your roof becomes a no fly zone for migrating birds due to the toxic fumes from all the cleaning products. Unfortunately other things tend to come up that are just that little more important.

Yes, the word for it is procrastination. This is something that I am really good at. Actually better than good. Beyond great in fact. I put the pro in procrastination. Well today I could take it no longer. It was time to clean.

I pried open the door to the cleaning cupboard and armed myself with sprays, cloths and all manner of grime busting accoutrements. There was so much hanging from my belt and pockets it became hard to walk. I strode into the living room Clint Eastwood style after a hard days ride. A giant dustbunny rolled across the floor like a tumble weed. Squinting my eyes I mumbled “time to clean up this town”.

Spraying, wiping, sweeping. At one stage I became the Karate Kid. Wax on, wax off. I even fixed that squeaky door. Armed with a can of oil, I looked it straight in the join and said - Feel rusty ? Well, do ya, punk ?

Hours flew by. Uncluttered lounge room, pine fresh toilet, no cobwebs in the hall, crisp clean sheets on the bed, sparkling kitchen with no dishes in the sink, laundry done. Going well. Time to pull a magic trick and make that mould in the shower dissappear. Who you gonna call - Mould Busters. Na na na na na naaaaa. I aint afraid of no mould.

Then my mate called and asked me if I could help him hang a picture. Guess the mould just got a last second reprieve. You can’t let a mate down. Now I just have to machete my way through the jungle that used to be my lawn, to get to my dirty car.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Health Kick

Today I came to the conclusion that I have been spending waaaay too much time on the computer. My six pack has blossomed into a gut and if I don’t start getting some sun soon people will mistake me for one of those impossibly white and glittery new age vampires. I want to die eating a steak, not having a steak rammed through my heart. It is time for a lifestyle change.

First things first. Get some healthy food. No more of that junk take away food. Down to the local fruit and veg shop. Hang on. When did this get new owners and why has everything moved ? It really has been a while, hasn’t it. I can’t find anything. I feel like Indiana Jones, wandering around a foreign land without a map. A plethora of produce which I don’t recognize fill the shelves. There are these strange spikey things nestled among the fruit that look like they belong in an adult shop. Not sure what they are but placing them next to the bananas certainly wasn’t the greatest idea in history.

Eventually I found what I wanted and now my kitchen is overflowing with goodness, literally. The oranges just tried the great escape off the edge of the bench onto the floor. A plucky one even managed to get across the room and hide from sight under the chair. I am going to name him Steve McQueen.

Now it is time for the exercise part of this equation. Nothing too strenuous to start with. A nice easy paced jog sounds good. Dig the trackpants out of the bottom of the drawer and fumigate the family of spiders that have taken up residence in my running shoes.

Jogging down the hill with the breeze blowing and birds singing in the trees. What a glorious day. The sun is shining and I feel great. Maybe I should take up cross country running, or marathons. This is easy. Surely I can be ready for the Olympics in a couple of weeks. I am a sporting God.

Then I catch sight of a reflection of myself in the windows of a house I am passing. No Adonis looking back, just a sweating middle aged man with a gut and a face the colour of a tomato. Omg, I look like an extra from the Physical music video by Olivia Neutron Bomb. My self esteem leaves for an extended holiday as a leg cramp settles in for a long stay.

After a long painful hobble back up the hill, I am just too tired to cook. Think I might have a Big Mac for dinner tonight.

Saturday, September 18, 2010


My brand new blog. All clean and bright. Well it was. I have now sullied it with my ramblings. My poor blog is a virgin no longer. She has now been deflowered. So the question remains, just what will this blog be about. The answer to that is actually really simple. I honestly have no idea. At this stage I am content to just let it evolve as it will. The great thing about evolution is that if it goes long enough it will form life. If I can keep this little blog going for just a few million years it may just turn into an multicelled organism. Then it can work its way up the ladder so that it can eventually start its own blog and create life anew. It may even start its first post by screaming “It’s Alive” like I did.

The greatest part is that I would become God to this world. It would be shaped at my whimsy. Bwaaahaaaahaaa.

That is possibly the weirdest life cycle ever imagined.

I am going to add a warning to this first post as well. Are you ready ? Ok, here it is.


At times it is possible that I may post links to other websites on this blog. It is probable that some of them may be afilliate links. If you are not using afilliate links on your blog you should. There is every chance that you make a tiny bit of money. Personally I like tiny bits of money. It keeps me in the cruddy lifestyle to which I am accustomed.
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