Dumb Joke

Why did the rapper carry an umbrella ?

Fo' drizzle.

Real Vampire

I am sick to death of hearing about stupid teenage vampires that glitter in the sun and look like they just stepped out of 90210. Personally I prefer the 'so scary you wet your pants even though you are 32' type of blood suckers. The ones with no morals and no rules.

With these thoughts in my head and Rob Zombie turned up to ridiculous on the stereo, I created this vamp. It is a digital painting made in Gimp using the standard brushes.

Real Vampire by standoutloud

So It Has Come To This...............

It finally got to THAT stage. You know the one. Where things get so bad you just have to do something about it. I finally had to clean the house.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not a dirty person. (I just have a dirty mind) However, when you are working 2 jobs, spare time is something in short supply. When you do eventually get that day off, well, things tend not to go as planned. You know that you should be vacuuming, dusting and polishing everything in sight until it sparkles so bright that boats are confused into thinking that your home is a lighthouse, and the airspace above your roof becomes a no fly zone for migrating birds due to the toxic fumes from all the cleaning products. Unfortunately other things tend to come up that are just that little more important.

Yes, the word for it is procrastination. This is something that I am really good at. Actually better than good. Beyond great in fact. I put the pro in procrastination. Well today I could take it no longer. It was time to clean.

I pried open the door to the cleaning cupboard and armed myself with sprays, cloths and all manner of grime busting accoutrements. There was so much hanging from my belt and pockets it became hard to walk. I strode into the living room Clint Eastwood style after a hard days ride. A giant dustbunny rolled across the floor like a tumble weed. Squinting my eyes I mumbled “time to clean up this town”.

Spraying, wiping, sweeping. At one stage I became the Karate Kid. Wax on, wax off. I even fixed that squeaky door. Armed with a can of oil, I looked it straight in the join and said - Feel rusty ? Well, do ya, punk ?

Hours flew by. Uncluttered lounge room, pine fresh toilet, no cobwebs in the hall, crisp clean sheets on the bed, sparkling kitchen with no dishes in the sink, laundry done. Going well. Time to pull a magic trick and make that mould in the shower dissappear. Who you gonna call - Mould Busters. Na na na na na naaaaa. I aint afraid of no mould.

Then my mate called and asked me if I could help him hang a picture. Guess the mould just got a last second reprieve. You can’t let a mate down. Now I just have to machete my way through the jungle that used to be my lawn, to get to my dirty car.

Health Kick

Today I came to the conclusion that I have been spending waaaay too much time on the computer. My six pack has blossomed into a gut and if I don’t start getting some sun soon people will mistake me for one of those impossibly white and glittery new age vampires. I want to die eating a steak, not having a steak rammed through my heart. It is time for a lifestyle change.

First things first. Get some healthy food. No more of that junk take away food. Down to the local fruit and veg shop. Hang on. When did this get new owners and why has everything moved ? It really has been a while, hasn’t it. I can’t find anything. I feel like Indiana Jones, wandering around a foreign land without a map. A plethora of produce which I don’t recognize fill the shelves. There are these strange spikey things nestled among the fruit that look like they belong in an adult shop. Not sure what they are but placing them next to the bananas certainly wasn’t the greatest idea in history.

Eventually I found what I wanted and now my kitchen is overflowing with goodness, literally. The oranges just tried the great escape off the edge of the bench onto the floor. A plucky one even managed to get across the room and hide from sight under the chair. I am going to name him Steve McQueen.

Now it is time for the exercise part of this equation. Nothing too strenuous to start with. A nice easy paced jog sounds good. Dig the trackpants out of the bottom of the drawer and fumigate the family of spiders that have taken up residence in my running shoes.

Jogging down the hill with the breeze blowing and birds singing in the trees. What a glorious day. The sun is shining and I feel great. Maybe I should take up cross country running, or marathons. This is easy. Surely I can be ready for the Olympics in a couple of weeks. I am a sporting God.

Then I catch sight of a reflection of myself in the windows of a house I am passing. No Adonis looking back, just a sweating middle aged man with a gut and a face the colour of a tomato. Omg, I look like an extra from the Physical music video by Olivia Neutron Bomb. My self esteem leaves for an extended holiday as a leg cramp settles in for a long stay.

After a long painful hobble back up the hill, I am just too tired to cook. Think I might have a Big Mac for dinner tonight.

IT'S ALIVE

My brand new blog. All clean and bright. Well it was. I have now sullied it with my ramblings. My poor blog is a virgin no longer. She has now been deflowered. So the question remains, just what will this blog be about. The answer to that is actually really simple. I honestly have no idea. At this stage I am content to just let it evolve as it will. The great thing about evolution is that if it goes long enough it will form life. If I can keep this little blog going for just a few million years it may just turn into an multicelled organism. Then it can work its way up the ladder so that it can eventually start its own blog and create life anew. It may even start its first post by screaming “It’s Alive” like I did.

The greatest part is that I would become God to this world. It would be shaped at my whimsy. Bwaaahaaaahaaa.

That is possibly the weirdest life cycle ever imagined.

I am going to add a warning to this first post as well. Are you ready ? Ok, here it is.

WARNING

At times it is possible that I may post links to other websites on this blog. It is probable that some of them may be afilliate links. If you are not using afilliate links on your blog you should. There is every chance that you make a tiny bit of money. Personally I like tiny bits of money. It keeps me in the cruddy lifestyle to which I am accustomed.