Today I came to the conclusion that I have been spending waaaay too much time on the computer. My six pack has blossomed into a gut and if I don’t start getting some sun soon people will mistake me for one of those impossibly white and glittery new age vampires. I want to die eating a steak, not having a steak rammed through my heart. It is time for a lifestyle change.
First things first. Get some healthy food. No more of that junk take away food. Down to the local fruit and veg shop. Hang on. When did this get new owners and why has everything moved ? It really has been a while, hasn’t it. I can’t find anything. I feel like Indiana Jones, wandering around a foreign land without a map. A plethora of produce which I don’t recognize fill the shelves. There are these strange spikey things nestled among the fruit that look like they belong in an adult shop. Not sure what they are but placing them next to the bananas certainly wasn’t the greatest idea in history.
Eventually I found what I wanted and now my kitchen is overflowing with goodness, literally. The oranges just tried the great escape off the edge of the bench onto the floor. A plucky one even managed to get across the room and hide from sight under the chair. I am going to name him Steve McQueen.
Now it is time for the exercise part of this equation. Nothing too strenuous to start with. A nice easy paced jog sounds good. Dig the trackpants out of the bottom of the drawer and fumigate the family of spiders that have taken up residence in my running shoes.
Jogging down the hill with the breeze blowing and birds singing in the trees. What a glorious day. The sun is shining and I feel great. Maybe I should take up cross country running, or marathons. This is easy. Surely I can be ready for the Olympics in a couple of weeks. I am a sporting God.
Then I catch sight of a reflection of myself in the windows of a house I am passing. No Adonis looking back, just a sweating middle aged man with a gut and a face the colour of a tomato. Omg, I look like an extra from the Physical music video by Olivia Neutron Bomb. My self esteem leaves for an extended holiday as a leg cramp settles in for a long stay.
After a long painful hobble back up the hill, I am just too tired to cook. Think I might have a Big Mac for dinner tonight.