Saturday, December 25, 2010
The Devil Invented Gift Baskets
Gift baskets are the single most dangerous thing known to man. We delude ourselves that they are a great idea even though they clearly are not.
Lets start at the beginning. You are at the shops and can’t decide what presents to get people. That state of mild panic allows the devil to step in and place the sinuous idea of a gift basket in your mind. Seduced by his calming voice you instantly think it is a great idea.
STOP. Think. It does not take a genius to figure out that tracking down, deciding on and purchasing multiple items is going to take a lot longer and cost more than buying one gift. That is money you could spend on beer and time that could be much better spent lying on the couch watching tv while drinking that beer.
The hideousness of the situation does not end there however. It goes much deeper. When you get the mountain of bits and pieces home you then have to put it all together. How do arrange all those things in the basket without it looking like a broken tetris game or a Baghdad back street ?
Have you completed your bachelors degree in soap, chocolate and wine basket arrangement ? If not you are in a world of trouble. How do you wrap such a beast ? Nice paper or gaudy cellophane? Where does the bow go ? Do you need more than one bow ?
It gets worse. Oh yes my friends, it gets much worse. Who are you giving it too ?
The most important thing to remember is to never give a gift basket to a couple. That is the devils plan. It takes exactly 2 minutes and 13 seconds before the arguments start over who gets what. Suddenly your beautiful gift basket has erupted into a domestic argument. The next 7 hours are spent in deep discussion on the value of herbal tea bags verses a cute teddy bear. Most divorces are the result of an ill concieved gift basket.
These so called gifts are slowly but surely breaking down our well structured society. If allowed to continue it will end in Armageddon.
The next world war will not be over oil, land, weapons of mass destruction or any other piddling matters. It will start as an argument over who gets the choc mint biscuits from the gorgeous wicker basket.