Zazzle Prostitution

Why zazzling is like prostitution

You tend to work mainly at night

You are rewarded for fulfilling a customers dreams

When people ask you about your job you have trouble explaining it

The customer pays a lot of money but the employer keeps most of it

Friendships fall apart and you end up only talking to people in the same profession

You have to do untastefull things to get customers

Solving Global Problems

I must apologise to my readers as it has been some time since my last blog post. The reason for this is that I have been thinking of ways to solve all the worlds problems. After careful deliberation I believe that it all begins with war.

It seems that all the wars these days are in hot, arid, desert countries. Not really surprising, I get cranky in the heat too. So the first thing we need to do is replace all the guns with water pistols. Everybody has fun in a water fight when it is hot.

Imagine all the soldiers running around squirting each other, throwing water balloon grenades. Planes and helicopters flying overhead waterbombing everyone like they do to forrest fires. We could have the best fun at World War Three. Everyone would want to go. Nobody gets killed and everyone goes home smiling.

However there are other advantages to this. All that water would turn what is now a desert into a water filled, muddy oasis. The poor people of that country would have lots of land to grow crops to feed themselves and boost their economy. A perfect solution for a struggling third world country.

The second world countries don’t miss out either. They are our number one producers of plastic toys. The demand for water weapons would boost their economy as well.

Now I know there are going to be some die hards that maintain that it just isn’t war without pain and suffering. Well just for you we can have wars at the arctic and antarctic. All the water would freeze replenishing the melting polar ice caps.

This is such a genius solution to a whole plethora of problems that I would not be surprised to be nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. (hint hint)

Money For Nothing

I was in a band once. On a cold winters day Ben, Anthony, Hughie and myself formed Chocolate Sneeze. (named after an unfortunate incident involving a block of Cadbury Dairy Milk and a dose of the flu)

Our studio was Bens games room, because it had space we could use undisturbed and a record player. Hughie played a cricket bat, Anthony had an assortment of empty plant pots and chopsticks for drums, I ripped it up on lead tennis racket and Ben (being the oldest at 11 and it was his house) had the other tennis racket and lead vocals.

With our favourite records turned up to the point were the speakers distorted we thrashed it out in a cacophony of high pitched childish voices and plant pot banging. We were rock n roll gods. This was in the days when Mtv actually played music videos. We were going to be mega stars. We were going to get our money for nothing and our chicks for free.

Like most bands things didn’t work out. After 4 hours of music stardom we ended up splitting due to artistic differences. We argued over Def Leppard vs Motley Crue as an opener for at least 10 minutes. Also it was time to go home for dinner.

It may be a long way to the top if you wanna rock n roll but it is a quick ride back down the hill on your bmx. I flew down at breakneck speed as the last of the suns glow faded from the sky. The cold air pierced my flesh and whipped my hair as my tyres fountained up rooster tails of cold water behind me. I had an idiotic grin on my face and something else I can never have again - The innocence of youth.

Psychotic Bunny

Gunny Bunny Pink by standoutloud

It is that time of the year when all the neighbourhood kids are climbing the walls late at night, unable to sleep because of a chocolate induced sugar buzz. Yes Easter is here. A time to get together to celebrate a guy that died over 2000 years ago by eating the sweet, foil wrapped droppings of a giant rabbit.

I have been spending some time trying to figure out just what all this Easter Bunny stuff is about. I now have a theory.

Firstly lets compare this rabbit to his nearest contemporary - Santa Claus. Santa is married and surrounds himself with little slaves called elves. He keeps himself busy most of the year making toys, checking lists, caring for reindeer and such. He is jolly and will always speak to everyone when he is in town.

The Easter Bunny by comparison could be best described as a quiet loner. The kind of person the neighbours claim never made any trouble until he tortured and killed 63 postmen.

I can only assume this rabbit spends most of his time raping kidnapped chickens in his basement to get all those eggs. He then hides these eggs everywhere to lure children away from their parents. He won’t take the children though. Oh no, he is much too cunning for that. He just likes too watch from the bushes.

I believe the master plan is to kill off the human race via cholesterol overdoses and diabetes. Then and only then will the rabbits truly own the Earth.

Weight Loss The Mad Aussie Way

In the last few years my six pack has slowly faded away and I now have the makings of a gut. For ages I couldn’t figure out what was causing it. I eat a balanced diet of all the major junk food groups. Consume plenty of liquids, most of it on the rocks. I even exercise regulary, those snacks won’t get themselves out of the pantry you know.

Then today while in the shower I realised what is causing it. My shampoo. Reading the back of the label it promises a ‘natural beauty and full body’. When I shampoo my hair I rub the excess on my belly! A natural beauty and full body might be fine for Buddah but I don’t want to look like that.

All is not lost however. I found the solution in my kitchen. The dishwashing liquid states that it will 'blast away fat and grease fast’. Perfect, I just have to slather my stomach with this and my washboard stomach will be back.

Time to go get another scotch and a plate of nachos.

The End Is Nigh

I am sitting here writing this blog post with black paint under my fingernails and bright after images floating across my vision. It is all the Mayans fault. Thousands of years ago these mathematical geniuses calculated when the world would end. They made a mistake though. We have been sitting around thinking that it wouldn’t happen until next year then BAM. Earthquakes, floods, hurricanes, tsunamis, wars and that is just the big stuff. We have only just started the fourth month of this year.

To make matters worse, on tv late the other night an evangelist told me that not only was the end nigh, but I had to make sure my house was in order. I am not actually sure why, maybe you need a clean house to get into Heaven or something. So I spent the weekend tidying, polishing and washing.

Of course cleaning isn’t the whole story. I had to make sure everything actually worked. That meant I had to buy light globes. This is something that I have been putting off for quite some time. There are so many blown in my house that you need to wear armor at night to move around for fear of broken bones. The new light globes scare me. However God had told me I must fix it so I went to the hardware store.

Sweat started pouring from my pores when confronted by a wall of globes the size of Charlie Sheens ego. There are so many types. Strange swirly shapes, circles, long loops, the list is endless. What happened to plain ordinary light globes ? Why protect the world when it is about to end ?

Not being able to decide on a style I concluded that a variety would be a good idea. Next problem, I had 40 to 75 watt globes before. There are 2 and 5 watt ones now. What the heck does that mean ? I needed 8 globes. I purchased 157.

Americans have gazillions of movies concerning the end of the world that you can use as handy how to guides. Looking through my dvd’s it seems Australia has 3. Mad Max, one, two and three. (note for my American readers, Mad Max 2 was called The Road Warrior there) Yes these movies are quite dated now but it is all I had to work with. So while I was at the hardware store I also purchased flat black paint to cover up the bright blue on my Mitsubishi Lancer. I tried to find some black leather pants and jacket as well. They didn't have any so I got a pallet of chamois and a drum of black dye and will make my own.

Figuring the lamp next to my couch would be the easiest globe to replace I bravely tackled that one first. No matter which new globe I tried part of it protruded above the shade, looking quite obscene. Now according to the packaging the globe I finally settled on emits a ‘Cool Sunshine’ glow. Flicking the switch revealed something more akin to a lightsaber. Blinded I staggered away into the comforting darkness. Not having donned my armor first I soon managed to stub all my toes and bark both shins before falling over the pallet of chamois and knocking myself temporarily unconscious.

So now you know why I am writing this with black paint under my fingernails as well as being partly blinded. Damn Mayans. My car does look pretty cool though.

Little Green Men Day

Usually if you admitted to anyone that you had seen little green men you would become an object of ridicule, if not institutionalized. There is one day each year where that is not the case though. Yes it is St Patricks day yet again. The only day of the year where admitting that you have seen them will be met with joyous, drunken shouts of ‘Leprechaun’.

The whole point of this holiday, as far as I can figure out, is to get so wasted that you do see little green men. You go out to a pub and drink as much beer (that seems to have the consistancy of mud and a taste to match) as you possibly can.

Each venue will have a dodgy band murdering well know songs. This is known as shamrock. Everybody dances the uncoordinated drunken dance, with arms around each other defying the law of gravity and holding each other up.

By the time you roll out of the pub you are hungry, and throwing reason out the door you get yourself a St Patricks kebab. That is the one with the fuzzy green meat. Following that you will find a nice piece of green grass to pass out on. For some reason the grass is now the same color as your face.

The one thing you need for tonight is a good Irish joke. Memorise this one if you don’t already have one.

A passer-by watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.

'Tell me, 'said the passer-by, 'What on earth are you doing?'

'Well, 'said the digger, 'Usually there are three of us. I dig, Fergal plants the tree and Sean fills in the hole.

Today Fergal is away unwell, but that doesn't mean Sean and I have to take the day off, does it?'

Happy St Patricks day everyone - You will see little green men tonight - to be sure, to be sure.